The National Leaving Care Benchmarking Forum has over 130 local authority leaving care teams, working together to share good practice and improve services and support for care experienced young people. In this article, a parent representative shares their lived experience. 

Also shared are audio clips of members of the My Future Me Advisory Team at The For Baby’s Sake Trust with their views of what it's like to become a parent when you are care-experienced. 

'Young People’s Benchmarking Forum (YPBMF) Parent Representative Group is a small group of parents with care experience who came together because, honestly, something isn’t working in this system. We designed a series of online sessions to talk to professionals and, for once, feel like they were really listening. It felt like they were standing with us, saying the same thing – something needs to change. It was exciting hearing about the support that does exist…but also frustrating, because we could see what is possible and what isn’t happening for families like ours.

One of the biggest challenges is the stigma attached to being care experienced. It follows you into parenthood. When I became pregnant, the first thing they talked to me about was my care experience being a concern. Your past gets written all over your future. The same situation can be labelled differently depending on how people see you. What’s called ‘no support network’ for us might be seen as ‘amazing support’ for someone else. And when you already feel scared, alone, and unsure, that judgment hits even harder.

Being a parent is overwhelming for anyone. Everyone needs support, someone to explain things, someone to help make sense of it all. But because of our backgrounds, it can feel like we get judged first and supported second. 

I had a long-term social worker who was amazing. She offered real help – baby groups, clothes, just being there. I trusted her. Then she left. And everything changed. That’s something people don’t always see – how much relationships matter. When someone new comes in, you’re back to square one, trying to rebuild trust and explain yourself all over again.

The parenting assessments are another example. I was told it was to understand my knowledge, using a traffic light system. I got mostly green and some orange. But no one really explained the orange parts. If the goal is to support us and our babies, why not give us the chance to learn and come back? Why not let us show we’re trying? Instead, it feels like you’re expected to know everything straight away. And if you don’t, it’s held against you.
There are so many services involved. So many appointments. So many people. During pregnancy, when you’re already dealing with everything physically and emotionally, it can feel like too much.

It’s too much…the pressure, the fear, the frustration.

I had severe morning sickness, in and out of hospital, barely able to eat or drink. But appointments were still booked in the mornings. If you miss or reschedule, it goes against you. So, you end up choosing between your health and your record.

What’s hard is that even with all these professionals involved, you still don’t always get the basic information you need. I remember when my son got his first tooth. I didn’t know if that meant I should take him to the dentist. It wasn’t in the red book. No one had told me. We’re expected to figure things out, without always being shown how. A lot of the time, we don’t fully understand what’s happening or what’s expected of us. Everything moves so fast.

I didn’t even get a breath to go, ‘Oh my god, I’m pregnant. I’m having a baby.'

You sit in meetings where professionals use words you’ve never heard before, talking about your child, and you feel stupid for not understanding. I had to ask three times what Early Permanence Placement (EPP) meant before it was properly explained to me. We shouldn’t have to fight to understand conversations about our own children.

Social services say they’re there to support parenting. But it doesn’t always feel like that. It can feel like it jumps straight past support and straight into judgment…straight into risk…straight into removal. By the time someone asks, ‘Do you have any questions?’, you haven’t even had time to process what’s just been said.

Miscommunication makes everything worse. Different people say different things. Messages get crossed. You leave meetings unsure what was agreed or what happens next. Child protection meetings can feel like sitting through an hour of information, then walking out thinking, what just happened?

Trying to follow things up isn’t always easy either. Emails, texts, phone calls…no response. Then you’re left waiting for the next meeting, still confused. Something as simple as a clear summary or a follow-up message would make such a difference.

What helpful support looks like

For us, it doesn’t have to be complicated. It just needs to feel human.

At the end of the day, we’re not asking for anything extra. We’re just asking to be understood, supported, and given a real chance. Because when that happens, everything can feel different. And right now, too often, it doesn’t.